Happy Birthday Jenson

On Sunday, October 14, Jenson turned 4.  We celebrated with family as Jenson would have wanted it.

Sydney loves a party.  She is a great party planner.  Wednesday night we walk into Party City, and Sydney sees the wall of balloons.  She quickly spots the right balloons for our party - a monkey, a butterfly, and the number 4.  We then go down the aisle looking for a Cars pinata.  Sydney says to me, "Mommy, I think now that Jenson is in heaven he doesn't really care anymore about Cars.  So we should get him a butterfly pinata instead."  Wise beyond her years - a butterfly pinata it is.

She then picks out orange plates (Jenson's favorite color), butterfly napkins, and spots a monkey cake pan.  She begs, "Can we please, please get the monkey cake pan?  I think Jenson would love it if we made him a monkey cake."  As overwhelmed as I feel at the thought of making a cake that will hopefully turn out looking like a monkey on a day I know will be hard anyway, I power through the feelings and remember who the day is for.  We buy the monkey cake pan.  Sydney jumps up and down and gives me a hug.  My little artist has a clear vision for Jenson's special day - monkeys as a symbol of his compassionate loving heart, and butterflies as a symbol he is a new creation.

Sunday morning, Sydney joyfully creates her masterpiece - an adorable monkey cake to honor her brother.  She decides we need more butterflies as decorations.  We find orange monarch butterflies which look so real Sydney can't help but squeal with excitement, "These are perfect!".  Her thoughtful attention to detail continues with Churro's for his party, rainbow candles, and even sticks to attach our butterflies to that are blonde and brown (since she and Jenson have blonde hair and mommy & daddy have brown hair). 

The party starts.  We play the "keep the balloon in the air" game, eat churros and monkey cake, send the three balloons (the butterfly, the number 4, and a monkey) up to Jenson, and watch as the candy finally falls from the butterfly pinata.

As the party is ending, my friend Kelly stops by with a perfectly timed gift.  I look inside the gift bag to find a blue and pink monkey with a butterfly print on it's body - the exact themes of our party.  Her card reads, "I saw this adorable butterfly monkey, and I immediately thought of Jenson's sweet smile.  I know he is smiling from Heaven and sending butterflies down.  Happy Birthday to your sweet angel." 

Jenson is our sweet angel.  I am also beaming with "proud parent joy" at Sydney for her thoughtfulness in creating a party just for Jenson.

Then the party is over.  The guest of honor is missing.  He is in another realm.

This triggers my massive meltdown.  Just when I think I am getting better and starting to escape the bear that is grief, it claws at my already wounded heart again producing massive pain and streams of tears. 

While Jenson is more alive than ever, the pain of missing him runs deeper than I could ever have imagined and is back with a vengeance.  It will never fully go away until the day we are reunited in heaven.  As I walk again through the deep valley of grief, I need to focus on butterflies and monkeys (new life in Christ and loving others compassionately).

Happy Birthday sweet boy.  We love you always.