Tender Heart

We celebrated Christmas this year.  Surprisingly, there were times of celebration - celebration around being with family and just "being".  It was a Christmas time that felt much less frenzied than in years past.  More calm and peaceful.  More appreciative.  More joyful.

I think it stems from the condition of my heart.  My heart is much more tender.  I am finding joy in simpler things in life like watching Sydney play with her cousins and enjoying a meal at the table with the whole family gathered around. 

My tender heart feels love on a deeper level... love for God, love for my husband, love for my kids, love for extended family and friends.  I don't feel a need to filter my love in anyway.  Jenson showed me how to love with abandon not worrying about what might happen.  He taught me if I love with all my heart even if my heart gets shattered, God can put the pieces back together despite the pain.

The pain in my heart will remain - a constant reminder a piece is missing.  It hurts Jenson wasn't were he would normally be --- snuggled up on my lap.  I remembered this holiday that "stuffing is for turkeys" and let the tears flow as memories appeared.  During one of our down swings, Doug and I were crying and hugging each other.  Doug summed up our emotions with a simple sentence, "We have hope and know he's in a better place.  But we still hurt and miss him."  

I don't know how people move on after something like this without faith.  We know Jenson is in a better place but the hurt is still crippling at times.  But with God's grace and strength, we are somehow able to go on.  We have to keep remembering this world is not the destination --- heaven is the destination and Jenson just caught an earlier flight home.