Another "chemo" Monday

Today is Monday. Another "chemo" Monday. I look at my sweet little boy (who looks healthy on the surface) and know I just took him to get chemo again. A day with such a mix of emotions.

The pediatric oncology department at UCSF is really great... from the doctor's to the nurses. He really likes going there, seems fascinated by all they are doing, and just today starting "helping" by lifting his shirt up when they need to access his port. The nurses have done a great job of coming up with ways to make the kids feel the least pain possible... from the numbing cream they have us put on "Glad Press N' Seal" to numb his skin so he won't feel the needle when they access his port... to the bubbles they blow while they are administering the chemo to keep him entertained... to the toy chest stocked with goodies that each child gets after their treatment. I'm so thankful for how good the care is and how careful they are about ensuring (in addition to the little things) that they provide the best possible care to their little patients.

And then there is the actual chemo. I'm thankful for the chemo as Jenson likely wouldn't be with us without it (so in that way chemo is my friend). But at the same time I'm so saddened by the chemo. Sad that he needs to get it in the first place, sad that it's going to make him feel bad for a while, and sad that it's a reminder of his LCH disease. The thing that always makes me cry on "chemo Mondays" is knowing when we took him in he was feeling fine and happy and now he'll feel bad.

There are the mixed emotions in seeing other families going through chemo and some type of serious childhood illness. In some ways it's inspiring and comforting (seeing all these other amazing families on this crazy journey and still "living life" and smiling) and in other ways it's scary. Today another family was getting consulted about a bone marrow transplant for their child. So we're very fortunate we're not at that stage.

And then there is the emotion of hope on "chemo Mondays". Hope that this will be the treatment that actually does the trick and "resets his immune system". Hope he'll get better with each treatment (as he definitely is better than before we started it). Hope that in May when they check his GI tract it will be LCH free and we can stop the chemo.

Then as all the emotions are swirling, I'm reminded that God has a plan in each situation and he is in control. Deep breathe... and so very thankful it's not all on me. "One day at a time" is my quote through this journey.

"Chemo" Monday's are hard and a roller coaster of mixed emotions. There is no way around it. But in the midst of all these emotions, I choose to hold onto hope.

Kristin