Suffering

I knew it was going to be a rough week, but I didn't expect this.  These are memories I want to bury forever.

Easter Sunday 2012.  We had a lot to celebrate.  Jenson was "home" post-transplant.   He was on the road to recovery.  Finally, we were going to have a family meal together to celebrate a holiday.  It felt like a luxury after spending Thanksgiving and Christmas in the hospital.

This was the day Jenson looked right through us. 

I can still see his big blue eyes gazing out into space.  "Jenson, are you spacing out?" I said jokingly with a smile.  Jenson loved to tease.  He normally would have been quick with a comeback, but not this Sunday. 

"I need go night-night.  My head hurts", Jenson replied.  We had learned post-transplant to "expect the unexpected".  Many days brought vomit as his body was learning how to digest food again.  Other "unexplained" physical aches and pains were par for the course.  Surely a nap would fix everything. 

We had no idea this was the beginning of the end - the day of Jenson's first stroke.   Totally blindsided.

Nothing could have prevented it.  Nothing could have stopped it.  Histio had left it's mark forever weakening the bone cavities in Jenson's skull.

It's one thing to have your hopes and dreams crushed, but to have our hopes turned to tragedy on Easter Sunday still seems like a cruel slap in the face.  It hurts.  It stings.  Why Easter of all days?  Easter is supposed to be a day of victory, a day of celebration, the day Jesus defeated death.  Now death was knocking on our door.

I know I need to re-frame this day.  God wants me to see it from another perspective.  Easter Sunday last year brought Jenson one step closer to his eternal home.  I know this logically, I just need my heart to catch up with my head.  I need a little balm to treat the open wound in my heart.

There is no greater pain that watching helplessly as your child suffers.  You would do anything to take away their pain.  I would pray, "Please God, give it to me instead." 

My prayer was answered, just not in the way I expected.