Emotionally Attached

Little things bring back memories.  More often than not, they are unexpected.

Our company car - the Prius - just got switched out to a Ford Fusion.  I was excited for a change as I have always felt like a hypocrite driving a Prius (I recycle but am by no means an extreme environmentalist).

The Fusion arrived with it's new car smell.  They called to arrange to pick up the Prius a few weeks later.  Much to my surprise given Doug's love for new cars, he kept driving the Prius.  The day they were scheduled to pick it up, I found out why.

The Prius (or "Mommy's Car" as Jenson would refer to it) reminded Doug of the days with Jenson - taking Jenson to countless doctor appointments, sitting in the back together after hikes in the Oakland/Berkeley Hills listening to music, cutting Jenson's hair in the back (when he still had it) after their hikes when Jenson was happy, Jenson cracking jokes in the backseat with his adorable little smirk.

The "Prius" swap out triggered an unexpected rough week for Doug filled with memories - some happy and some sad.  Memories like Jenson's promise to us prior to transplant that "I get better.  I promise".  The infamous statement "I sorry" from Jenson as he saw us both crying after the botched endoscopy in March 2011 (like he did anything wrong).

Whenever Doug gives blood, he gets flashbacks of walking down the hall of the oncology clinic.  After they would finish with vital signs, blood draws to make sure Jenson could get his chemo were next on the list.  As Doug would turn right, Jenson would say "No Daddy!  Need go this way," while pointing to the other side of the clinic.  Doug would have to ignore his pleas and hold down his little arm as he screamed.

While private, Doug is not some unemotional male.  Jenson has been his identity for 3 1/2 years as he took on the role of "stay at home dad".  This included things like being the "medicine man" and being constantly on "night shift" sleeping in Jenson's room for over a year to make sure he had the care he needed.  Each day Doug poured himself into Jenson loving him with everything he had.  And now Jenson is gone.

At least he is gone from this earth.  We look forward to the day we will be reunited with Jenson in heaven.  In the meantime, we try to envision our boy running without pain and sitting on his Grandpa Aaron's lap.

Kristin